The Country music of today should be ashamed of itself: especially the songs that the men are putting out. I mean, when someone who is supposedly a man sings, "Every little thing that you do; I'm so in love with you; it just keeps getting better," he should be shot on sight or at least beaten senseless with his own guitar, unless he's talking about his pickup truck or his favorite whiskey.And if your last name is Urban, I'm sorry, but you just cannot be considered "Country." Does anyone even know what 'urban' means?
Don't get me started on Rascal Flatts, either. Every time their lead singer opens his mouth to sing, Waylon Jennings rolls over in his grave. "What hurts the most" is actually how his voice makes my nerve endings feel. Rascal Flatts is to Country music what nightly grinding is to healthy teeth: a terrible, terrible scourge. Recently, in fact, studies showed that 15% of the 400 lab rats subjected to a continuous half hour of their music developed Leaky Gut Syndrome; 2% spontaneously decided to eat their own young; and the remaining 83% blew their heads off. You know that sound a cat makes when it gets its tail caught in a bear trap? That's what Rascal Flatts' lead singer would sound like, if the cat was also on fire. Seriously, Rascal Flatts, be men, for God's sake, not cats with their tails caught in bear traps. Sing about how you're lying there with Linda on your mind, or how you're on the road again, or how you're a boy and your name just happens to be Sue. Don't serenade me about something dumb like the temperament of your ex-girlfriend's cat, unless your ex-girlfriend's cat is an escaped mountain lion that's just eaten one of your stepbrother's Black Angus calves. And cut it out with the leather pants and the spiky hair and the crappy electric-guitar solos, okay? If you're gonna take the time to do a solo, it better blow my freaking socks off. Beware, though—I wear my socks tight.
And to all you undiscovered male Country singers out there, here's a tip: If your last name is Metropolis or Inner-City, you should think about changing it.
