ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MYSPACE IN JULY 2008
WARNING: I feel like being vulgar and dropping F bombs in this blog because I have cramps so bad that my ovaries feel like they grew fangs and bit into my innards. Deal with it.
Well I've been on a nostalgic romp lately dreaming of the days of yesteryear when life was simple. I was still a twinkle in my father's eye in the 70's and the 00's are still going on, which just leaves the 90's after tackling the uber fantastic/horrific 80's.
A lot of things sucked about the 90's: People with the last name Bush started an unfortunate trend with fucking around in the Middle East. Rappers quit rapping about who had better metaphors and started encouraging people that the best thing you can do is shoot someone. SUV's started clogging up the streets like a tampon flushed down the toilet. Teachers stopped beating their students and students started shooting each other. The PC police started trying to make sure no one got their feelings hurt and turned a few million people into sniveling pussies that think the world owes them an apology every time life isn't gum drops and lollipops. And while a lot of good movies came out in the 90's producers realized that you didn't actually need a decent plot as long as you spent enough money after Titanic came out and movies took a steep dive into shit. They also forgot how to make a decent horror flick. Event Horizon kicked ass, but that's about it. And of course MTV started showing Real World, followed shortly by Road Rules, followed shortly by MTV becoming about as cool as a dead fish in a beat off contest.
Ask anybody in the world over 20 and they'll tell you the only good music ever made was what was playing when they were in high school. Well I was in high school in the 90's and god damnit that is the only good music ever made. Even the corny ass shit was good. Oh you won't admit it, but I'll call you a liar to your face if you say you don't jam the shit out of Barbie Girl, anything by Ace of Base, the Spice Girls, or Bone Thugs and Harmony while you are alone in your car and no one is looking.
Ah the glory days when tortured rock stars took their inner pain out on themselves and didn't ask anyone to feel sorry for them, then had the decency to kill themselves or O.D. instead of doing reality television when they ran out of money. Michael Jackson still held some fading resemblance to a human being and didn't look like Michael Myers after he fell in a camp fire...Gwen Stephani rocked ass with No Doubt instead of blowing harder than the North Winds singing about Bananas and thinking white girls make good rappers. No bitch, Kenny G doesn't do rap and neither should you. That shit IS bananas. Punk wasn't Pop, Rap wasn't Metal, and Indie music kept it's sorry ass in obscure record shops where it belonged.
You could go to concerts at venues that weren't named after products at the grocery store.
Smashing Pumpkins and the Beastie Boys were getting the recognition they deserved and hadn't gotten lazy and started sucking shit like they do now. Mel Gibson was as much of a man as Harrison Ford and not as fucked up as Liza Minelli at an all you can eat Vicodin buffet.
During the Fresh Prince days I was sure I could take Will Smith in a fight…not so much any more.
CD's killed cassettes and DVD's killed VHS just as bad as video killed the radio star, which sucks because you could drop kick a VHS or a cassette and still play it but digital mediums are fucked for life if you breathe on them wrong no matter how much Best Buy brags about how long they last if taken care of because no one takes care of shit. If they did, we wouldn't need the Attorney General to spend every day tracking people down for child support. But you can't download cassettes on Limewire and take money out of Metallica's overstuffed greedy bitch whore pockets so I guess I'll consider those acceptable losses.
Video games quit being digital pussies with Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and video game movies started kicking ass with Mortal Kombat, and went back to sucking with Street Fighter.
Say what you want about the 90's but there is no other decade that could pull off Girbauds, Hyper color T-shirts, and Color Me Badd (who I saw in concert by the way).
Speaking of the 80's I'm pretty sure my innocence took a nose dive like a prize fighter with a million dollars worth of gambling debts to the mob when I realized life didn't play out like 80's movies. In the epic movie "Cobra" Sylvester Stallone said, "You're the disease, and I'm the cure". Well it turns out it wasn't the disease and Penicillin is the cure. Not even Rambo can cure that shit. But that is a completely different blog. Ok - I'm kidding. I hope nobody took that seriously.
I cannot possibly finish this blog without shamefully leaving out Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Goonies. Much like Cher, I can't turn back time. But I can add to it and cover a lot of ground I didn't even consider touching until this very moment.
According to my Grandpa he grew up watching grass grow and learned life lessons by starving to death in the great depression while he tried to shoot squirrels so he could feed his family. My parents were a little more fortunate and got to watch the Lone Ranger and Roy Rogers. My dad woke up on Saturday mornings to listen to radio sitcoms which I would laugh at but some day I am going to have to explain rotary phones and Vanilla Ice to my son.
But no matter what I'll know I grew up watching the greatest shows of all time on Saturday morning. You feel me?
The Smurfs- What better way to teach children about the way society works than a mushroom town full of blue dudes with one slutty chick to service the whole village? I don't know how many pets (fish, mainly) I've had over the years that I named Azreal. By the way, did you know that was actually a Belgian cartoon dubbed in English? I know, it hurt me too when I found out.
Scooby-fucking-doo was all American. Never mind the obvious drug implications with Shaggy and Scooby. I gotta give props to these mother fuckers for doing the exact same plot every single episode for years and still making money. That is capitalism at it's best. They only had to hire writers for one episode and then just watched the money roll in.
Four words. Thunder Thunder Thunder Cats! I don't know how many hours I spent as a child shining a flashlight into the sky pretending to be Lionel with his glowing sword.
He Man- I went back and watched an episode or two and that show actually sucked more balls than a Thai porn star but I still miss my Greyskull action set.
Gummy Bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere. Nuff said. I actually thought if I stared at someone long enough and stuck out my stomach I could make people happy like the Care Bears. Now my stomach sticks out on it's own and I still stare but most people don't seem to get the reference…
Heath Cliff, Heath Cliff no one should terrorize the neighborhood. Yeah, I didn't get that lesson. I was a menace like Dennis.
I wish Scrooge McDuck would have taught me to be more thrifty but eh, oh well.
Sadly, I still have sexual fantasies about the beast from Beauty and the Beast (AFTER the transformation people), Aladdin, Eric from Little Mermaid, Rebecca from Talespin, Gadget from Rescue Rangers, and April O'Neil from Ninja Turtles.
Fuck the Telletubies, Power Rangers, and Dora the Explorer! Sesame Street told me the show was brought to me by the number 4 and the letter K! Take that Hanna Montanah, you little stripping whore.
