ORIGINALLY POSTED ON MYSPACE IN JULY 2008
WARNING: I feel like being vulgar and dropping F bombs in this blog because I have cramps so bad that my ovaries feel like they grew fangs and bit into my innards. Deal with it.
Well I've been on a nostalgic romp lately dreaming of the days of yesteryear when life was simple. I was still a twinkle in my father's eye in the 70's and the 00's are still going on, which just leaves the 90's after tackling the uber fantastic/horrific 80's.
A lot of things sucked about the 90's: People with the last name Bush started an unfortunate trend with fucking around in the Middle East. Rappers quit rapping about who had better metaphors and started encouraging people that the best thing you can do is shoot someone. SUV's started clogging up the streets like a tampon flushed down the toilet. Teachers stopped beating their students and students started shooting each other. The PC police started trying to make sure no one got their feelings hurt and turned a few million people into sniveling pussies that think the world owes them an apology every time life isn't gum drops and lollipops. And while a lot of good movies came out in the 90's producers realized that you didn't actually need a decent plot as long as you spent enough money after Titanic came out and movies took a steep dive into shit. They also forgot how to make a decent horror flick. Event Horizon kicked ass, but that's about it. And of course MTV started showing Real World, followed shortly by Road Rules, followed shortly by MTV becoming about as cool as a dead fish in a beat off contest.
Ask anybody in the world over 20 and they'll tell you the only good music ever made was what was playing when they were in high school. Well I was in high school in the 90's and god damnit that is the only good music ever made. Even the corny ass shit was good. Oh you won't admit it, but I'll call you a liar to your face if you say you don't jam the shit out of Barbie Girl, anything by Ace of Base, the Spice Girls, or Bone Thugs and Harmony while you are alone in your car and no one is looking.
Ah the glory days when tortured rock stars took their inner pain out on themselves and didn't ask anyone to feel sorry for them, then had the decency to kill themselves or O.D. instead of doing reality television when they ran out of money. Michael Jackson still held some fading resemblance to a human being and didn't look like Michael Myers after he fell in a camp fire...Gwen Stephani rocked ass with No Doubt instead of blowing harder than the North Winds singing about Bananas and thinking white girls make good rappers. No bitch, Kenny G doesn't do rap and neither should you. That shit IS bananas. Punk wasn't Pop, Rap wasn't Metal, and Indie music kept it's sorry ass in obscure record shops where it belonged.
You could go to concerts at venues that weren't named after products at the grocery store.
Smashing Pumpkins and the Beastie Boys were getting the recognition they deserved and hadn't gotten lazy and started sucking shit like they do now. Mel Gibson was as much of a man as Harrison Ford and not as fucked up as Liza Minelli at an all you can eat Vicodin buffet.
During the Fresh Prince days I was sure I could take Will Smith in a fight…not so much any more.
CD's killed cassettes and DVD's killed VHS just as bad as video killed the radio star, which sucks because you could drop kick a VHS or a cassette and still play it but digital mediums are fucked for life if you breathe on them wrong no matter how much Best Buy brags about how long they last if taken care of because no one takes care of shit. If they did, we wouldn't need the Attorney General to spend every day tracking people down for child support. But you can't download cassettes on Limewire and take money out of Metallica's overstuffed greedy bitch whore pockets so I guess I'll consider those acceptable losses.
Video games quit being digital pussies with Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter, and video game movies started kicking ass with Mortal Kombat, and went back to sucking with Street Fighter.
Say what you want about the 90's but there is no other decade that could pull off Girbauds, Hyper color T-shirts, and Color Me Badd (who I saw in concert by the way).
Speaking of the 80's I'm pretty sure my innocence took a nose dive like a prize fighter with a million dollars worth of gambling debts to the mob when I realized life didn't play out like 80's movies. In the epic movie "Cobra" Sylvester Stallone said, "You're the disease, and I'm the cure". Well it turns out it wasn't the disease and Penicillin is the cure. Not even Rambo can cure that shit. But that is a completely different blog. Ok - I'm kidding. I hope nobody took that seriously.
I cannot possibly finish this blog without shamefully leaving out Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Goonies. Much like Cher, I can't turn back time. But I can add to it and cover a lot of ground I didn't even consider touching until this very moment.
According to my Grandpa he grew up watching grass grow and learned life lessons by starving to death in the great depression while he tried to shoot squirrels so he could feed his family. My parents were a little more fortunate and got to watch the Lone Ranger and Roy Rogers. My dad woke up on Saturday mornings to listen to radio sitcoms which I would laugh at but some day I am going to have to explain rotary phones and Vanilla Ice to my son.
But no matter what I'll know I grew up watching the greatest shows of all time on Saturday morning. You feel me?
The Smurfs- What better way to teach children about the way society works than a mushroom town full of blue dudes with one slutty chick to service the whole village? I don't know how many pets (fish, mainly) I've had over the years that I named Azreal. By the way, did you know that was actually a Belgian cartoon dubbed in English? I know, it hurt me too when I found out.
Scooby-fucking-doo was all American. Never mind the obvious drug implications with Shaggy and Scooby. I gotta give props to these mother fuckers for doing the exact same plot every single episode for years and still making money. That is capitalism at it's best. They only had to hire writers for one episode and then just watched the money roll in.
Four words. Thunder Thunder Thunder Cats! I don't know how many hours I spent as a child shining a flashlight into the sky pretending to be Lionel with his glowing sword.
He Man- I went back and watched an episode or two and that show actually sucked more balls than a Thai porn star but I still miss my Greyskull action set.
Gummy Bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere. Nuff said. I actually thought if I stared at someone long enough and stuck out my stomach I could make people happy like the Care Bears. Now my stomach sticks out on it's own and I still stare but most people don't seem to get the reference…
Heath Cliff, Heath Cliff no one should terrorize the neighborhood. Yeah, I didn't get that lesson. I was a menace like Dennis.
I wish Scrooge McDuck would have taught me to be more thrifty but eh, oh well.
Sadly, I still have sexual fantasies about the beast from Beauty and the Beast (AFTER the transformation people), Aladdin, Eric from Little Mermaid, Rebecca from Talespin, Gadget from Rescue Rangers, and April O'Neil from Ninja Turtles.
Fuck the Telletubies, Power Rangers, and Dora the Explorer! Sesame Street told me the show was brought to me by the number 4 and the letter K! Take that Hanna Montanah, you little stripping whore.
Monday, June 1, 2009
speaking of gay people...
All this overturning of domestic partnerships and civil unions across the country got me a little fired up about equal rights.
Pardon my sarcastic rant:
I'm not gay. There has been some contrasting speculation, but that's a ridiculous stereotype...founded on my tendency to often make out with other girls. Even that's not gay because my eyes are always closed tight the whole time, and even less gay because I usually think about how the other girls ass feels in my hands, instead of the actual kiss. Ok, so I am gay. But I am not an activist for gay rights. You could indeed say that, when it comes to gays and homosexuality: I do not care. Don't care at all. I don't understand why anybody does really.
I read this online argument between two people, one of whom wasn't retarded, and the other was really trying for the case. "Gays are taking over the country." That was very interesting to me. Still is. I wondered what she meant by that. Gays are taking over? "Taking over" to me, implies some kind of malicious intentions and agenda. You know, like total domination and enslaving and such that I don't think the gay community generally upholds or practices or anything. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe thats what the rainbow represents to us: Total Domination. The red represents bloodshed of heterosexuals. The orange represents, well, something just as reprehensible that I don't even know about. Maybe some extreme longing to set all straight couples and their children on fire. Awesome. Hilarious.
The next words spoken by that lady: "They think they can just push straight people around and pressure them".
Oh, I get it now. And as she continued to go on and on, I understood better. Gay people are taking over, in that they seek equality and acceptance (and I'd even settle for the word tolerance) and all kinds of other crazy shit. I don't want to lie to you dudes and dudettes, and pretend I'm some champion for gay rights, but where does this kind of mentality come from? Gays are taking over??? Very truly, I wouldn't mind if right around 40% of the people in this country just stopped living. I don't want to actually kill all of them, because I'm not really feeling up to the effort that large-scale genocide probably requires, but I really wouldn't mind if everybody who thinks like the aforementioned bitch suddenly experienced some kind of polarity reversal in their personal gravity and just floated away.
Arguments people have made:
Gay couples cannot procreate.
Fantastic. Is there some baby shortage I'm unaware of, or...what's the problem here? Rest assured boys and betties; we aren't at risk of running out of babies anytime soon. Heterosexuals are still horny. And active. I've seen it (mostly in porn). No worries there, but I am worried, specifically, that we might soon run out of Christian babies. Lately it's as if potential parents have been distracted by all those protesters and wannabe rogue revolutionists. But hey, nothing is more purposeful or enjoyable than protesting in a vacant field when it is nine degrees outside.
Gay relationships and marriages are immoral.
Don't waste my time on this one, and I won't waste yours by writing about morality and marriage with straight couples. Heaven forbid I get in the way of the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55 hour Vegas wedding.
There is no 'gay gene'/nobody has to be gay.
Malarkey. Just because it hasn't been scientifically proven that I'm aware of doesn't mean that... oh wait, YES IT HAS.
That I'm aware, I have no gene that contributes to an obsession with boobs, but just the same I really wouldn't begrudge more flamboyant members of my community the right to get fired 13 times for feeling up men. Genotype or not, nurture vs. nature; when was any of genetics adopted to be part of the criteria for dictating liberties?
"You can't be gay because you dont have a gene influencing that!!" I'm going to do some research and am very interested to find some application of this science and logic in the 50's and 60s when blacks were seeking equality. You know, sort of like "Um...son? Science shows that there is no gene that makes you people want to sit towards the front of the bus, so the answer is no".
It makes just as much sense in either context, and quite frankly I am starting to lose all hope in humanity.
Pardon my sarcastic rant:
I'm not gay. There has been some contrasting speculation, but that's a ridiculous stereotype...founded on my tendency to often make out with other girls. Even that's not gay because my eyes are always closed tight the whole time, and even less gay because I usually think about how the other girls ass feels in my hands, instead of the actual kiss. Ok, so I am gay. But I am not an activist for gay rights. You could indeed say that, when it comes to gays and homosexuality: I do not care. Don't care at all. I don't understand why anybody does really.
I read this online argument between two people, one of whom wasn't retarded, and the other was really trying for the case. "Gays are taking over the country." That was very interesting to me. Still is. I wondered what she meant by that. Gays are taking over? "Taking over" to me, implies some kind of malicious intentions and agenda. You know, like total domination and enslaving and such that I don't think the gay community generally upholds or practices or anything. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe thats what the rainbow represents to us: Total Domination. The red represents bloodshed of heterosexuals. The orange represents, well, something just as reprehensible that I don't even know about. Maybe some extreme longing to set all straight couples and their children on fire. Awesome. Hilarious.
The next words spoken by that lady: "They think they can just push straight people around and pressure them".
Oh, I get it now. And as she continued to go on and on, I understood better. Gay people are taking over, in that they seek equality and acceptance (and I'd even settle for the word tolerance) and all kinds of other crazy shit. I don't want to lie to you dudes and dudettes, and pretend I'm some champion for gay rights, but where does this kind of mentality come from? Gays are taking over??? Very truly, I wouldn't mind if right around 40% of the people in this country just stopped living. I don't want to actually kill all of them, because I'm not really feeling up to the effort that large-scale genocide probably requires, but I really wouldn't mind if everybody who thinks like the aforementioned bitch suddenly experienced some kind of polarity reversal in their personal gravity and just floated away.
Arguments people have made:
Gay couples cannot procreate.
Fantastic. Is there some baby shortage I'm unaware of, or...what's the problem here? Rest assured boys and betties; we aren't at risk of running out of babies anytime soon. Heterosexuals are still horny. And active. I've seen it (mostly in porn). No worries there, but I am worried, specifically, that we might soon run out of Christian babies. Lately it's as if potential parents have been distracted by all those protesters and wannabe rogue revolutionists. But hey, nothing is more purposeful or enjoyable than protesting in a vacant field when it is nine degrees outside.
Gay relationships and marriages are immoral.
Don't waste my time on this one, and I won't waste yours by writing about morality and marriage with straight couples. Heaven forbid I get in the way of the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55 hour Vegas wedding.
There is no 'gay gene'/nobody has to be gay.
Malarkey. Just because it hasn't been scientifically proven that I'm aware of doesn't mean that... oh wait, YES IT HAS.
That I'm aware, I have no gene that contributes to an obsession with boobs, but just the same I really wouldn't begrudge more flamboyant members of my community the right to get fired 13 times for feeling up men. Genotype or not, nurture vs. nature; when was any of genetics adopted to be part of the criteria for dictating liberties?
"You can't be gay because you dont have a gene influencing that!!" I'm going to do some research and am very interested to find some application of this science and logic in the 50's and 60s when blacks were seeking equality. You know, sort of like "Um...son? Science shows that there is no gene that makes you people want to sit towards the front of the bus, so the answer is no".
It makes just as much sense in either context, and quite frankly I am starting to lose all hope in humanity.
June 1, 2009
I try to stay low key in my day to day life but it's a little hard to do when the things you say and do are just a little "over the top". I've got some close family members who read my blogs so needless to say there's never a dull moment during family gatherings.
Like Slater always says...."Em...there's the line, and there's you crossing it".
I dont hold back from sarcastic comments, I take every little moment that presents itself to make a joke, and I can run a line of bullshit a mile long.
I get friends that tell me "I can't believe you blogged that shit, youre fuckin crazy." Crazy is as crazy writes.
The truth is, as anyone will tell you, I tend to exaggerate things just a bit. I dont call them exaggerations as much as I call it giving details. What fun would my trip to get a pizza, while drunk, be if I didnt give the details of what I was feeling?
I got drunk. I ordered pizza. I was paranoid with an open beer in the car. I made it home without incident and ate the pizza.
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Boring!
I almost went to school for architecture (for real, not being a George Costanza) so you have to be very detail oriented. Architecture is no fun if all you envision is plywood and wood framing members.
I get my kicks out of entertaining people with funny blogs and feel pure when people tell me that my serious blogs are inspiring or helpful to them. Why place myself in one category? Comedy. Sappy. Romantic. Erotica. Political. Religious. As long as I dont fall into the category of boring I am content.
Like Slater always says...."Em...there's the line, and there's you crossing it".
I dont hold back from sarcastic comments, I take every little moment that presents itself to make a joke, and I can run a line of bullshit a mile long.
I get friends that tell me "I can't believe you blogged that shit, youre fuckin crazy." Crazy is as crazy writes.
The truth is, as anyone will tell you, I tend to exaggerate things just a bit. I dont call them exaggerations as much as I call it giving details. What fun would my trip to get a pizza, while drunk, be if I didnt give the details of what I was feeling?
I got drunk. I ordered pizza. I was paranoid with an open beer in the car. I made it home without incident and ate the pizza.
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Boring!
I almost went to school for architecture (for real, not being a George Costanza) so you have to be very detail oriented. Architecture is no fun if all you envision is plywood and wood framing members.
I get my kicks out of entertaining people with funny blogs and feel pure when people tell me that my serious blogs are inspiring or helpful to them. Why place myself in one category? Comedy. Sappy. Romantic. Erotica. Political. Religious. As long as I dont fall into the category of boring I am content.
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